Monday morning madness includes a self-driving car stopped at double the speed limit, plans for an alien landing pad and a switch to one-way skating on the Rideau Canal to make way for a “high-speed commute.”

April Fools’ Day obviously, but amusing.

Const. Jon Hall tweeted that he’d nailed the high-tech auto going 137 km/h in a 60 zone but the “passenger reading his paper didn’t feel a thing.”

Meanwhile, the National Capital Commission reported that starting next winter, skaters will only be allowed to go northbound from 7 a.m. to noon and southbound from noon to 7 p.m.

The aim is to improve safety and traffic flow and “conservation officers and skateway patrollers will be on the ice to ensure implementation of the new one-way skating goes smoothly.

“New signage and traffic lights will be in place for the start of the season.”

You may only be able to skate one way on the canal, but come summer you’ll be able to plumb its depths in an autonomous submarine, Ottawa Tourism reports.

“Through your own personal porthole, you can observe underwater creatures like catfish, eels and turtles,” the agency promises.

“Perhaps even more interesting are the visible inanimate objects, such as the early version of the Stanley Cup that was kicked into the canal by the Ottawa Silver Seven hockey club after their win in 1905.”

River Ward Coun. Riley Brockington had an April 1 eye-opener, too.

“Later today I will be announcing the latest new pending development of a new alien spaceship landing pad, on top of Mooney’s Bay Hill,” he deadpanned. “All visitors are welcome.”

Even April fools.

Ottawa Public Health issued the millionth frostbite alert of the year, warning that “the temperature will be dropping soon and will eventually feel like -273 C.” So, “wear things, do stuff,” the agency warned wearily.

Too soon. Too soon.

Const. Phil Kane, known for herding high milers and cat GIFs, tweeted that he and Hall would be taking the summer off to herd cats.

It could only be easier.